I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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