Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
