I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
