You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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