Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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