Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
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