What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
