I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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