Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
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