i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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