I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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