Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
