I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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