I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
