I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize