Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Randomize
