I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
