she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
