How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
