I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
