yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
