That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
