mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
