Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize