I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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