Four minutes until I can fart!
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Randomize