and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Randomize
