pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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