toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
