You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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