Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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