Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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