god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
