Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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