She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
