I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
we're so committed to being not committed
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
