Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
