yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Why is your signature on my underwear?
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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