Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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