I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
