I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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