Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Be still, my beating vagina.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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