I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
