I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
