if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
