so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
