woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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