so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
