Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
