Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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