She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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