Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
