yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
we're making bets on your personal life
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
