I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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