Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize