how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
