I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
