I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
My vagina is officially offended.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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