First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
