Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Randomize
